Recap: The Bachelor Season 28, Week 7
Recaps of TV shows are wildly popular and incredibly important, so naturally I picked a random episode of a show I've never seen, for a recap format I've never written, and documented the resulting confusion in real time.
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Of all the reality competition shows I haven’t seen, The Bachelor franchise is probably the one I haven’t seen the most. However, there’s no fighting the fact that recap blogs and the like are very popular and enjoyed, so I decided to jump into the fray by choosing a random episode of The Bachelor to be my first foray into both the series itself and recapping. It turns out that, while I can understand the appeal of the show in the way that it keeps stringing you along and boosts sentimental moments with swelling strings and singer-songwriter ballads, it is something I’m unlikely to revisit in the future.
This episode opens with an establishing shot of a cabin in the woods at night, letting the audience know that this is a horror program. In the opening scene, the show jumps right into a conversation between a brunette woman and a stubbly man in which she explains that she doesn’t want to introduce him to her family because of the way he’s treated other women. The Stubble Man looks at her as she talks with his head cocked to the side and an expression that says something along the lines of “I wonder if there are any more cookies in the kitchen.”
Then there is an intense stinger letting me know that I’m watching…The Bachelor!
The scene is now the snowy mountains of Jasper, Alberta, Canada, according to the on-screen text. There seems to be a lot of stock footage of woods and fleeing geese and hungry bears and some deer. Whatever was happening with Brunette Woman and The Stubble Man is in the past now as we are in the bright, open Canadian wilderness!
Now The Stubble Man is riding a motorcycle across a bridge and, via voiceover, is talking about how pretty the scenery is. He tells us that he’s heartbroken about Lexi having gone home last week and appears to have some pretty severe abandonment issues for a guy who’s a contestant on a reality dating show. I wonder if they’ll tell me his name at some point.
We see the cabin again, but it’s in daylight and much less scary. Several women are being driven to the cabin in a small fleet of SUVs. In one vehicle, there’s Yellow Hat Woman, Puffy Coat Woman, and Puffy Vest Woman. I’m not using these monikers to be dismissive or objectifying, only because they have yet to tell me anyone’s name. This group of women is taking in the scenery and pointing out things like “water.”
In the second SUV, we have Coral Coat Woman, Puffy Coat With Lapels Woman, and Kind Of Reminds Me Of Krysten Ritter Woman. They seem to be very excited to see elk, which I think is something we can all relate to. Elk are neat. They’re like walking hat racks. Kind Of Reminds Me Of Krysten Ritter Woman pronounces elk “elk-kuh,” which is certainly a new way to do that!
“The reason these six women are here,” says The Stubble Man, “is because I do have feelings. I can see it growing into a love and being something that’s beautiful.” This sentiment is exactly why I buy six cupcakes at a time. You never know which one you’re going to like most, so what’s the harm in taking a bite out of all of them?
The Stubble Man tells us that he is seeking clarity and confidence this week. “And I hope,” he says, “that I start to fall in love.” Good luck, The Stubble Man! That’s a good hope!
As the women run into the cabin and start freaking out about how cool it is, we get a cutaway that reveals Coral Coat Woman to be Daisy, who is 25 and an account executive from Becker, MN. She feels amazing because the surroundings are her vibe.
Four of the women flop onto a fairly small bed together in a variety of ways (one on her stomach, another on her back, etc.) and I believe this is an example of the diversity of the types of women we’re going to meet on this journey. That being said, I do hope there are more beds in this cabin…otherwise these four are going to be very uncomfortable and the other two will, I suppose, just lean against a wall to get some sleep.
Puffy Coat Woman, who we now know is Kelsey T, a 31-year-old actor from Los Angeles, is excited about how different everything is from anything she’s ever experienced before. “The water is different. The trees are different. The mountains are insane.” From time I’ve spent in LA, I can confirm that this is absolutely true because the trees are much palmier there.
Kelsey T tells us that she’s happy to be here, but doesn’t want to have to share the house or Joey with all of these other women. This is our first clue that The Stubble Man might be called Joey, but he’ll continue to be The Stubble Man until it’s confirmed.
The women see a rainbow over the horizon and get very excited about it! “It’s a sign,” says one of them. A sign of what, I’m not exactly sure. Is this show about to get a big LGBTQ plot twist?
And now Puffy Coat With Lapels Woman turns out to be Jenn, 25, a physician assistant student from Miami, FL. She tells us that everything is pretty and crazy and, like Kelsey T, she’s never been anywhere like this before. I can confirm that in my travels to Florida I’ve found it far less mountainous and much more gatory.
Jenn says, “You really can’t be sad here, honestly.” And if that’s not some Chekhov’s gun level foreshadowing, I don’t know what is.
The women all stand together at the edge of the lake next to the cabin and bellow “JOEY, WE’RE IN JASPER!” Is this a regular part of the show? Is The Stubble Man still at the last place they were in residence and now has to find them in a cross-country game of Marco Polo? Or, perhaps, The Stubble Man is going to rise up like the Lady of the Lake and present them with legendary weaponry.
Alas, it turns out to be neither of these things. The Stubble Man is just off playing tennis somewhere. But now I see that he’s playing tennis with another Stubble Man! This is Puffer Vest Stubble Man! Is he also vying for the affections of The Stubble Man?
Alas, again, no. The text on screen tells me that this is Jesse Palmer, 45, and he’s the host. In most shows I’ve watched, a host is responsible for talking to the audience or contestants to explain what’s happening or how the game works, but that doesn’t seem to be what Host Jesse Palmer is doing. It’s quite possible that he’s hosting a completely different show about tennis and the two crews happened to be in the same place at the same time.
After a lot of back-and-forth tennis and weird flirting, Host Jesse Palmer gets up close to say, “Dude, the Canadian Rockies look good on you.” I’m really rooting for these two. While The Stubble Man talks to Host Jesse Palmer about all the women he’s sampling, the host has a bored look on his face that says “Stop going on about them and choose me!”
We now know that Kind Of Reminds Me Of Krysten Ritter Woman is Maria, a 29-year-old executive assistant from Kleinburg, Ontario, Canada. Being Canadian, Maria has an advantage over the other women in case The Stubble Man wants to talk about hockey or if they’re all attacked by Canadian bears. She makes a comment that she may not even get a chance to see The Stubble Man this week, so apparently a component of this show is the man playing an intense game of hard-to-get over which the women have no control.
A knock on the front door of the cabin! A mysterious envelope! This seems to make them all nervous and Jenn even does a curse word. Kelsey T reads the contents of the envelope aloud, informing the group that Daisy will be getting a horse-riding-related one-on-one with The Stubble Man. The other women are so happy for her and so mad at her! But it turns out there are two more date opportunities, so at least two of them will get another shot.
In the first firing of Chekhov’s gun, Jenn is sad and crying about not being invited on the date. In this moment, she appears to be crying in a barn of some kind? The shot was confusing. Maybe it’s a Sadness Stable.
The show goes to a commercial break and I noticed two things. First, upon returning, the on-screen text tells us once again that the events are taking place in Jasper, Alberta, Canada, which I think is a testament to what the program thinks of its audience’s attention span. Second, it cuts to more shots of big brown bears, then a duck, then The Stubble Man walking across a bridge as if he’s part of the natural fauna there.
Daisy and The Stubble Man are going on their date! First, they clomp through the woods on a pair of horses named Ellie and Thunder. It’s his first time on horseback and he makes reference to this several times, clumsily stating it in an “I’m so glad my first time was with you” kind of framing. Daisy sees the lake, points at it, and says, “Oh! The lake!” Then they splash around in skimpy bathing suits (but both still wearing necklaces!) in a wooden hot tub at the lake’s edge. There’s a bunch of smooching and hugging and whatnot. Daisy is worried that she’s not in love with him yet and that if she tells him that, he’ll send her home.
Back in the cabin, the women are still talking about having one-on-one time with The Stubble Man. Are they allowed to do or talk about other things? Isn’t there a Monopoly set or a deck of cards or something in the cabin? This episode is a Bechdel Test nightmare.
Another knock at the door reveals another mysterious note, this time read to the group by Maria. The Stubble Man wants to have a group date with Kelsey T, Maria, Rachel (who I guess is Puffy Vest Woman…it’s getting hard to remember who they were as they change clothes), and Jenn.
Jenn is sad and crying about being invited on the group date (second Chekhov chamber unloaded). But this time she does not appear to go to the Sadness Stable. In fact, all of the group date women seem to be displeased about the group date. Perhaps on this show a group date is shorthand for “You’re not going to win, but you clearly need something to do and there’s no Monopoly or deck of cards around.”
Back to Daisy and The Stubble Man’s date! They sit at a nice table next to a fireplace at a restaurant called Papa George’s. Daisy is nervous about telling The Stubble Man how she feels (or, more accurately, doesn’t feels) about him. They talk and talk and talk and he’s constantly looking at her as if he’s trying to remember all the words to “We Didn’t Start the Fire” instead of listening to what she’s saying. But it all works out because he says he’s not scared of her honesty and gives her a rose, which seems to mean that she’s not being sent home.
The Stubble Man tells Daisy that he has one more surprise for her that night, which I hope isn’t that the meal they just ate consisted of the horses they rode earlier in the day. The surprise is playing hockey! I bet Canadian Maria’s going to be steamed when she finds out there was hockey that she wasn’t a part of. This also confirms my theory that any piece of culture that takes place in Canada is legally mandated to include a hockey scene. The game doesn’t last long, however, as they dramatically toss down their gear and start smooching all over each other.
For the group date the next day, Kelsey T, Maria, Rachel, Jenn, and The Stubble Man all learn how to chop up wood real good from Anita Jezowski, a former Lumberjill champion. It is at this time we learn Rachel is 26, an ICU nurse, and hails from Honolulu, HI. We’ve almost collected them all! They’re like Pokémon with luggage full of itty bitty bathing suits. The group does a lot of sawing, chopping, axe throwing, and elk milk chugging to compete for a hand-hewn trophy. The purpose of the competition is that the “fastest woman will win,” which I think is a good slogan for most reality dating competition shows.
While The Stubble Man is doing one of his solo interviews with the camera, Jenn sneaks over and smooches all over his face as a “good luck kiss,” which is something he seems to be all about and the other women are most assuredly not. That none of the many axes were turned against Jenn at this moment is a testament to good sportsmanship.
After the date, they return to the lodge where The Stubble Man seems to only have one rose to give out. Uh oh! They all go off into separate areas to have quick chats about where things stand, their feelings about each other, and the values of their comic book collections (this part was edited out). After he speaks with most of them, The Stubble Man doles out kisses. This fellow loves smooching.
But Maria is different! She’s experiencing jealousy issues and has found out too late that maybe a reality dating show isn’t the best venue for her pursuit of love. This is that scene from the beginning of the episode! The Brunette Woman is Kind Of Reminds Me Of Krysten Ritter Woman is Maria! Turns out that very confusing moment from the top of the show was a dramatic fast-forward to right now. Anyway, she goes off for a cry and then comes back and then they talk in circles and then finally Maria gets her smooches, too.
The Stubble Man is now very conflicted and confused. But he eventually sits down with the four women to tell them how much fun he’s had and how much he appreciates them. He doesn’t tell them how lovely it was to have kisses with all of them, but that’s pretty much implied. But he doesn’t give that rose to anyone at all! I don’t know what that means. Do they go home? Does it get delayed to later? Are these four women executed in some way that involves elk?
It actually sounds like there’s an upcoming cocktail party of some kind, so maybe that’s where he’ll make more decisions and/or have executions.
One thing I really came away with from watching this is that Jasper is a really adorable little Canadian mountain town when it’s not being overrun with thirsty reality stars.
I got the final name as The Stubble Man heads off on a one-on-one date with Kelsey A, 25, a junior project manager from New Orleans, LA. I’m disappointed to learn that Kelsey T doesn’t just have a cool T in her name, but it’s being used as a differentiator.
For The Stubble Man’s date with Kelsey A, they wander around Jasper, going shopping, drinking hot cocoa, playing pool, and eating s’mores Lady and the Tramp-style, which is objectively gross. Then a fellow named Paul Hardy, hilariously credited on screen as “Typical Canadian,” invites them to take part in a polar plunge event that was made up for the show, which includes a fake newscast about the fake event. They get into the tiniest swimsuits yet, plunge, and then smooch a bunch in a little sauna.
Back at the cabin, there’s a lot more talking about emotions and what’s going to happen and who’s going to take The Stubble Man to their hometowns to meet their families. No new ground is covered, but that seems to be how this show works. This episode is almost an hour and a half long but could easily be edited down to about seven minutes without losing anything of substance.
In a stunning display of originality, The Stubble Man takes Kelsey A to a dinner by a fireplace. Kelsey A’s feelings for The Stubble Man are the opposite of Daisy’s in that they exist and she has expressed them. There’s an upbeat conversation about death and cancer as they learn more about one another. Then Kelsey A is given a rose! She is safe from execution or elimination or whatever. They make out against a tree as a nearby elk grunts.
Host Jesse Palmer is back! He’s arrived to tell the remaining women that there will be no cocktail party tonight. There are some knowing nods amongst the group, indicating they have a much better sense of what that means than I do. It would appear that typically prior to something called The Rose Ceremony, which I assume is a dread arcane ritual where roses are distributed to the survivors and the un-rosed minority is dragged away to some bachelorette oubliette, there is routinely a last desperate drinking function where people can plead their cases.
Straight to The Rose Ceremony we go! There are four women without roses and two roses on the table. I did some quick calculations and have come to the conclusion that half of the remaining women without roses will get roses. This is all very dramatic. Swelling music. Long, meaningful pauses. The Stubble Man pulls Maria aside for a chat, which, judging from the sour looks on the faces of the other women, is generally not done.
The first rose goes to Rachel. Host Jesse Palmer returns again to tell everyone that the last remaining rose is the final rose for the night. Thank you, Host Jesse Palmer. Very helpful.
Maria receives the second rose, which means that Kelsey T and Jenn will not be continuing in the competition and will be fed to the elk. Host Jesse Palmer softly expresses how sorry he is and lets them say goodbye to The Stubble Man before they’re escorted into the middle of the Canadian wilderness.
Chekhov’s gun lets off a final blast as I’m reminded of Jenn’s earlier statement, “You can’t really be sad here, honestly,” which has proven to be so thoroughly incorrect in her case that I’m not sure I would recognize her if I ever saw her without tears in her eyes.
So there we have it. Season 28, episode 7 of The Bachelor. As I think back to the lessons I’ve learned and the growth I’ve experienced on this journey, I’m drawing a blank. All I really left knowing is that Jasper is a beautiful little town, that elk make grunting sounds, and that I think The Stubble Man and Host Jesse Palmer are soulmates.
